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Oct. 3rd, 2004 @ 10:49 am

i made a new journal. cos i'm just lame like that. its zdreamsarebadz   i'll be postin' in there and stuff. yeah. <3 weiner.

 

nesster.

how the hell can my nickname remind you of a bird wearing a sweater?! O.o ((MICK))

Aura: creativecreative
Sound: god save the queen

Hot Pockets!!! Sep. 28th, 2004 @ 10:00 pm

Yeah, You know you want them...

I'm a hot pockets girl. cos i'm a Member.

Aura: hungryhungry for hot pockets
Sound: watchin' la tele

por favor muerto Ana... Sep. 28th, 2004 @ 06:45 pm

Meh.. whats up with today? Well i think it was cos it was picture day.. and i'm kinda stressed out. i hate this day. ew.. soo much.. >.<  Everytime i want to write about something kinda personal i always have second thoughts. I guess i'm too afraid who'll read it and what they'll think or what they'd say. I guess its like one of my last entries.. feeling inadequate with myself. i feel bad when heather asked why i felt a way that i do but it is really dumb. i'm sorry but i'll probably tell her what i meant or something.

man heather and i had soo much fun on friday. it makes me happy thinking about it. ^.^  it was soo great. lol.

i wish i had a gag-reflex. 

nothing interesting happened today except for failing a spanish test. Thats about fucking it. and feeling like more people are hating more and more everyday. but thats to be expected in life. not everyone is gonna like you.  i wish i could say "fuck those people who don't" but you know being me, i cannot.  but for my own sanity, i won't think about it. for now.

Smite the wicked and plunge them into the fiery depths of hell for they aren't wanted here on this damned purgatory.

jims got me listening to some punkish-ska now. argh.. im not even in the mood.

Nesster. with <3

Aura: sick and fat.. meh
Sound: the A.k.a's _ generation vexed

Interrogate the truth until you hear what you like Sep. 23rd, 2004 @ 06:15 pm

Well, this week has been pretty damn good so far. Till i came home this afternoon. Monday i had a session with mommy dearest.. to make a long detailed mess short, it was a bickering, horrid test to see who could out wit the other. tis sad, but anywho---- tuesday was good cos i dropped astronomy cos its sooo fucking hard i never know whats going on in that class. fucking.... stuff.. i can't even tell you what ms batson was rambling on about. stuff about celestial spheres ? O_o wtf. at least vesh was in that class. i miss her!! v.v shes just as lost as me in astronomy. ah well.. at least ms batson didn't decapitate me or disembowel me and eat my gullbladder and spleen. i <3 my spleen thank you very much.. i have two study halls now!! tis sweet!! ^.^  wednesday i had my guitar lesson and it went surprisingly well. i actually could play the solo to "call of ktulu" by metallica! i was amazed at myself. so it was a bit of a self esteem boost. i'm done with that song now. next to learning fade to black, it was the other song that never ended.


Now, i guess we are planning on selling the house, but still staying in the area. so don't freak out-- not that you care. today my mom said shes not letting us sell the house which pissed me off. then she said that the counselor lady said we're disturbed and we should be going to alanon?? no fuck that. she didn't even go to AA so why should we? i don't have any problems, in fact i've made more friends this year so far and i'm pretty content. wtf. ew, i'm sorry but i just don't like .. my mom. lol not that it was a big secret a lot of ppl know, but it sounds bad cos shes my mom. sure, shes a mom but not a parent i guess i could say. blargh i don't wanna discuss that anymore.. i'm totally miserable about it and i always bitch and moan in this thing and i'm sorry again. so just forget about that.


I hope tomorrow me and heather go to the movies and see that Shaun of the Dead or whatever its called. my dads going out so i need something to do. i don't wanna be stuck in the house this weekend like the passed two. and saturday i hope paul will come over to keep me company too cos my dad is going to a wedding. i reeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaalllllllly like paul. hes sooo sweet. and i wish we'd spend more time together but its tough to cos of school. but remembering back in summer, when he came over for my brothers party and we got busted by the coppers and him coming with me to one of those fairs in west view.. and him taking me to the semi and everything.... i thought it was the absolute nicest thing a guy could have done. idk why i believe it so much, but idk. i just didn't think anyone would want to. lol. ugh i'm soo dumb. but its how i think. and its pretty pathetic I KNOW. i hope that we stay together for a long while. ^.^


and adam is a cool kid. he broke up with nikki and i feel kinda bad about it it seemed like their relationship would never die. i'm sorry it had to so soon. he also had a bad day. hopefully tomorrow for you will be better. keep your head up kid!! ^.^


welp .. <23 weeiner.


NESSTER ^.^

Aura: moodymoody
Sound: smashing pumpkins- Zero

Sep. 14th, 2004 @ 06:19 pm

i thought this was spiffy.. so heres whats wrong with me.. enjoy~

 

 

Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 62%
Schizotypal |||||||||||| 42%
Antisocial |||| 18%
Borderline |||||||||||||||| 70%
Histrionic |||| 14%
Narcissistic || 10%
Avoidant |||||| 30%
Dependent |||||||||||| 42%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||| 38%

Eccentric Personality Disorders: Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal

Individuals with these disorders often appear odd or peculiar.

Paranoid Personality Disorder - individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening.

Schizoid Personality Disorder - individual generally detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings.

Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.

Dramatic Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, and Narcissistic

Individuals with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions, distorted self-perception, and/or behavioral impulsiveness.

Antisocial Personality Disorder - individual shows a pervasive disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others.

Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.

Histrionic Personality Disorder - individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - individual has a grandiose view of themselves, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in various situations. These individuals are very demanding in their relationships.

Anxious Personality Disorders: Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-Compulsive


Individuals with these disorders often appear anxious or fearful.

Avoidant Personality Disorder - individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism

Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder - individual is preoccupied with orderliness, perfectionism, and control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency.

 

http://similarminds.com/personality_disorder.html ^^ thats the link
Aura: crazycrazy
Sound: cradle of filth - born in a burial gown
Other entries
» (No Subject)

Wow this morning sucked. i had to wake up at seven to start getting ready to go to the hospital to get a check up for my thyroid. so it appears its not my thyroid, right now though i do have some auto-immune thing with it but the levels are decent now, but its my pulse and blood pressure. whichever. it might be something called othrostatic hyPERrtension or hyPOtension ((theres a difference)). idk. i'm fucking sick of going in there, having some student look at every inch of your body. its pretty embrasassing.  and today, this student whos studying to be a doctor, came in and did pretty much a full phsyical and said,"HEY IS THIS BOOB DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHER?!" O_O jesus fucking christ lady, .. its a fucking boob. they aren't perfect. i was completely mortified though.. its bad enough they ask personal questions and look everywhere. it wasn't worth the visit at all cos they think its my heart not my thyroid. so i feel kinda dumb. my pulse was 140 beats a minute. lol. i REally don't like doctors. or being in a hospital full of sick little kids.. its really a downer.. cos i feel so bad; im there healthy and well, and theres these kids in there with diabetes, cancer, and weird shit. v_v i hate it

really i'd rather be at school right now................................ maybe not. scratch that. but yeah, thats what happened this morning. >.<


» The Law of Three

well i think i'm just going to spill my heart and guts everywhere in this entry. its been a while since i've really ever said anything "deep." hopefullly i'm not letting you down by saying that.

lately i've been feeling soo inadequate with myself. i don't feel comfortable in my skin. i can't help but feel awkward and gorky. i feel inproportionate with myself and what i am. and i don't like this. i'm really not sure what this is.. maybe that gorky-phase that teenagers go through in life? ugh its terrible. with all these dreams of my appearance and teeth, i can't help but believe its just my esteem getting worse and something i want to be, but i can't. i can't be this cos i'm afraid of how i'd hurt those who i love and love me.... yeah i know sounds strange, but i'm finding out who these people are, and its giving me a sense of hope.. or whatever. but besides that, i've been thinking about this a lot and i've been driving myself insane over it. i think if i achieve any part of it i will feel more comfortable being in my skin. i'm sounding like i'm writing in riddles, yes. sadly i can't say what i want to "achieve". but i heard when you dream about your teeth or your appearance, it means something about your looks and things of that nature.

i think its also with other people, i want to feel just as important and accepted as they all seem to be. i have been feeling that sensation more this year and i'm glad to. but i don't feel quite accepted as i wish to be... blargh.. its hard to explain. basically its that whole teenage thingy with wanting to fit in and what not... tis sooo dumb and shallow of me i know. i hope to reach some sort of feeling of self worth. it shall come along with the maturity i'll gain.

if any of you haven't realized that the past entries of me talking about the person i liked was paul... then you are slower than me. and thats pretty damn slow!! but don't feel bad- cos i wouldn't have known either. but yes. they were. lol

wow i'm such a downer man. O.o sorry. and i think im dropping astronomy, cos its just dumb. and so am i. ((thats basically the whole trouble.. eighth grade all over again... ((Ali)))) 

the Law of Three states that what one witch puts out into the world shall come back to them Three Fold, almost like a boomerang. No matter if it is good, or bad.

blessed be!

later..


» (No Subject)

srry.. didn't update for a while. i've been kinda busy lately. not that many of you read this thing anyways. but on to other things...

so school is in session again and i'm not happy to be back in it. i hate the senior high; the structure of it and the crowdedness. at least i get to see friends that i usually don't see everyday. and older friends too. so thats pretty much the only good part. the classes are a tad bit harder cos of the tests we've had the first fucking week, and i'm not fully into the swing of things. i think i failed an astronomy quiz already. its a tough class though. but i think i'm going to keep it cos i'm interested in that stuff so why not?

yesterday i went to the mall,  but only for a short period of time cos my dad was going out. so i had to be picked up at 830... kinda sucked cos i only found ppl around 745-800 cos i'm always contrary to where everyone is. its how i am. im going out with paul now so everythings peachy keen ^.^ theres still the glitter in my hair from last nite cos alex put glitter in it from that libby lu thingy store.. o.O its kinda itchy heh.

hrm.. i don't have really much else to say so yeah. later


» Led astray by their mock sincerity

Hello Hello all. Not much has been happening lately. Tomorow is Ozzfest.. mehh I wanna gooo so badly!! paul is going and johnny d and roxie and everyone. those lucky kids.. Well then maybe I'll get to go see Converge in October and Mushroomhead and ICP and Metallica.. I hope. Its 26 days away according to someones profile. Lamb of God and Slayer and Dimmu Borgir are going to be HERE FOR OZZFEST!! I'm going to cryyy..

Anyways I went to the mall tonite with Missie and Heather. And it is Heathers birfday! shes sweet 16 today. We met Evan and Jim at media play. And saw Corin there as well. There wasn't too many people at the mall tonite. I guess its better that way.. I don't really like big groups either. It gets hectic and aggrivating at times. We walked around a bit and found more people in Hot Topic like always. Then we went into the food court and found john and paul there and hung out with them for the rest of the nite. We sat outside and talked. that weird security cop dude was there.. and hitting on little unsuspecting boys.. sadly no one believes me. oh well they will once someone gets raped... O.o

Ugh.. my throat is sore once again. This sucks. So I'll just take some more antiseptic to take it away for the time being.. heh. But its okay right now.. cos i did take some advil so i think i'll be fine.

I think this has been the most torn i've been about how i feel about certain people. And strange thing is, I don't even really talk to them. I'm really shy. I can't talk to the one person cos they are going to Ozzfest.. and why would he want to hear from me. So idk. and just other factors. And another person who i haven't talked to at all this summer. I'm just confused ever since the concert. And it just seems to me that everyone has "someone." For example, Jim and Alex, they both like each other no matter what .. if they see other people or not, they are together. Jim and Jenn, they both really like each other and no matter what they always seem to care for each other. I'm sorry I don't mean to pick on them. I'm glad those people have found someone cos they probably need someone the most out of anyone. I wonder if i passed up the oppurtunity to "have someone" or not. i don't know many people, nor do i get out enough to meet people. I guess i'll have to see. Or could this be something to the effect that the certain person that could like me is right in front of me so to speak? i doubt so but will i ever know? No. Ohh well yeah i say i don't need anyone and i'm independent.. but i sometimes feel kinda weak, and its not right to use someone as a shoulder to lean on. Then you'd end up like my last relationship. And most people don't want to feel that you rely on them all the time and get close and shit.

I'm the type of person that does keep their word. I'm too serious when it comes to relationships. I HATE THAT I AM!! but.. i don't show any warm or affection to anyone. idk its akward for me to i guess. i think some of it has to do with that i'm not used to seeing it, such as my mom and dad are not like that.. my dad can be, but my mom is cold. somedays i think it would be nice to have a decent woman role model to look up to, i've never had one, and usually daughters can take after their moms.. but i haven't in most ways. i hope i never do. i don't know i don't think i'm making much sense right now.. and i can't get my point across at all. just i'm so mixed up. i sound so emo right now.. srry

okay thats enough of my bullshit.. i hope no one gives a shit and doesn't read that cos its pointless and i don't make much sense. and if you did.. it just made you 64% dumber and shallow.. heh.. should have warned you ahead of time..


» through the obvious

Meh.. fucking nitemares man. What do They Mean??

the first one i remember i was struggling .. someone had me by my arms.. and i was panicking. then my two bottom teeth started to ache with agonizing exchurisating pain and then they fell out. as i was trying to spit out the blood in my mouth, the rest of my teeth fell out of my mouth. my tongue got swollen and i choked on it.

the second was when i was in the senior high, the first day of school and i lost my schedule. my guitar was with me too for some odd reason. and i didn't recognize anyone. so i walked around and no one could give me my schedule. then i saw some people that i knew and i tried talking to them but they just ignored me. and it was really scarey. the school was really dark and moldy. o.O

its just strange. idk what to think. this is the third nitemare that's had something to do with my teeth. o.O


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